The Dreaded Word: Infertility

This is a hard post to right and I’ve debated over and over again whether or not to post this on a blog but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that in the end everything will work out and I’ll want to remember the struggles so that the end result will be that much sweeter. So here it goes…


The hubs and I have been trying to conceive on and off for four years and solidly trying - EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH - for over two years. I have to say that this is the absolute worst thing I have ever gone through in my life…it’s super stressful, it has caused me great anxiety, sadness, and anger (and I think the hubs feels it too), it’s created huge arguments between the hubs and I, and it makes me feel 100% helpless. Not to mention, that it make me feel jealous, angry, and bitter towards others that are lucky enough to have children – including my family.

During the time the hubs and I have been trying to conceive I’ve had several friends who’ve had new little ones and both sides of our families have been blessed with new additions as well (which I’ve mentioned on the blog). The hubs’ brother had not one, but TWO little cuties when they were blessed with twins (and they already have the most perfect 5 year old) and my brother recently just had the cutest baby boy ever (and they already have BEST 8 year old around). I love each of them with all my heart but, at times, I find it very difficult to be around them because I want my own addition so badly. It’s also extremely difficult to see how the grandparents treat these families because they have children – they’re favored - Plain & Simple. Although my rational brain understands that a grandparent’s role is to spoil their grandchildren and the parents will obviously benefit from this but they act entitled and have an attitude like everything should revolve around their "family".  My emotional brain is screaming at the unfairness of the situation and, in reality, it makes us feel less important because we don’t have children.

During our struggles, in hopes to conceive, I have lost 60+ lbs - thinking that my weight may be a factor, had my gallbladder removed - thinking that may be a factor, taken every vitamin known to help with fertility, been poked and prodded with so many needles for so many different blood samples, spoken to one doctor after the next, and had an 1.5 hour MRI of my uterus! Don’t get me wrong, some of this has been hugely beneficial – it’s just not the benefit I want. And after all this what is the outcome the fertility doctor deemed as our problems….wait for it… we have “undetermined infertility issues.” What the hell? I don’t even know how to process those words...undetermined infertility issues.

I’m not normally one to carry around all these bad vibes, I try to look at the best of things and be positive, but I feel like I am loosing my positivity in this battle. I feel like I am loosing myself. I’m short tempered, less understanding, more demanding, and, do I dare say it…depressed. I’ve always seen myself as a mother and I’m seriously struggling with the fact that it may never happen. I know everyone says stress plays a huge part in conception but I don’t know how not to stress about this. If I’m not testing day after day for ovulation - I’m crying about getting my period…my life…our life…revolves around this sad disappointment.

Ok enough about this …It’s too emotional, and frankly, it’s too whiney and I hate that. But it’s how I feel so I’m glad it’s on the blog. Hopefully, I’ll be able to look back on this blog post while holding my own bundle of joy and remember that all the struggles were worth it! Ok…there’s the positive McCaulie that I’m used to, maybe she’s not lost forever…