The Dreaded Word: Infertility

This is a hard post to right and I’ve debated over and over again whether or not to post this on a blog but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that in the end everything will work out and I’ll want to remember the struggles so that the end result will be that much sweeter. So here it goes…


The hubs and I have been trying to conceive on and off for four years and solidly trying - EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH - for over two years. I have to say that this is the absolute worst thing I have ever gone through in my life…it’s super stressful, it has caused me great anxiety, sadness, and anger (and I think the hubs feels it too), it’s created huge arguments between the hubs and I, and it makes me feel 100% helpless. Not to mention, that it make me feel jealous, angry, and bitter towards others that are lucky enough to have children – including my family.

During the time the hubs and I have been trying to conceive I’ve had several friends who’ve had new little ones and both sides of our families have been blessed with new additions as well (which I’ve mentioned on the blog). The hubs’ brother had not one, but TWO little cuties when they were blessed with twins (and they already have the most perfect 5 year old) and my brother recently just had the cutest baby boy ever (and they already have BEST 8 year old around). I love each of them with all my heart but, at times, I find it very difficult to be around them because I want my own addition so badly. It’s also extremely difficult to see how the grandparents treat these families because they have children – they’re favored - Plain & Simple. Although my rational brain understands that a grandparent’s role is to spoil their grandchildren and the parents will obviously benefit from this but they act entitled and have an attitude like everything should revolve around their "family".  My emotional brain is screaming at the unfairness of the situation and, in reality, it makes us feel less important because we don’t have children.

During our struggles, in hopes to conceive, I have lost 60+ lbs - thinking that my weight may be a factor, had my gallbladder removed - thinking that may be a factor, taken every vitamin known to help with fertility, been poked and prodded with so many needles for so many different blood samples, spoken to one doctor after the next, and had an 1.5 hour MRI of my uterus! Don’t get me wrong, some of this has been hugely beneficial – it’s just not the benefit I want. And after all this what is the outcome the fertility doctor deemed as our problems….wait for it… we have “undetermined infertility issues.” What the hell? I don’t even know how to process those words...undetermined infertility issues.

I’m not normally one to carry around all these bad vibes, I try to look at the best of things and be positive, but I feel like I am loosing my positivity in this battle. I feel like I am loosing myself. I’m short tempered, less understanding, more demanding, and, do I dare say it…depressed. I’ve always seen myself as a mother and I’m seriously struggling with the fact that it may never happen. I know everyone says stress plays a huge part in conception but I don’t know how not to stress about this. If I’m not testing day after day for ovulation - I’m crying about getting my period…my life…our life…revolves around this sad disappointment.

Ok enough about this …It’s too emotional, and frankly, it’s too whiney and I hate that. But it’s how I feel so I’m glad it’s on the blog. Hopefully, I’ll be able to look back on this blog post while holding my own bundle of joy and remember that all the struggles were worth it! Ok…there’s the positive McCaulie that I’m used to, maybe she’s not lost forever…

Girls Weekend

This past weekend my favorite girls...these gals:

left our hubs and babies (human and canine)

and went away for a girls weekend.

it was relaxing...

it was super fun...

it was bondalicious..

it was totally needed...

all in all

it was perfect!

 We headed to Windsor, CA - Wine Country

and stayed in an awesome condo

it had two bedrooms...

a BBQ on the patio...

a fireplace...

it was the perfect place to bond.

 then we headed off for the city

to the Girls Night Out event!!

We shopped,

and ate,

and drank,

and had a grand time!

The next day we set off on a wine tasting adventure... 

Coppola Vineyards was amazing...

I mean, they had a POOL people!!

Crazy!

Even without the pool it was a cool winery

they had a bunch of Coppola movie stuff...

they had a full restaurant...

and they even had a bar!

We ended at Longboard Vineyards and had a personal tasting

The wine was delish!

The trip was a perfect getaway with amazing friends

and we've decided a girls trip must

happen once every quarter!!

Here's to our next trip somewhere along the coast!!

Photoadaymay: Days 8 & 9

Day Eight Prompt:  Something you do everyday.

Originally I was thinking that I would post my work computer because I feel like I am staring at that thing all.the.time.  But, alas, I do get weekend breaks <> so then I was thinking about what do I actually do every.single.day...the answer, my friends, is read!  Reading is my peace...my way to escape into a differed world...my wind down method...my drug.  I simply can't get enough of it!

Day Nine Prompt:  Your Favorite Word

This prompt was a little difficult because I'm not sure what my favorite word is... Then, my dear co-worker and friend, Erica, left this wordle on my chair and I thought it was perfect!  It contains many of the words I hold dear to my heart and it was a thoughtful little piece of sunshine added to my work day yesterday. 

Photoadaymay: Day 7 & 8

Prompt for Day Seven:  A person you admire.

I think it goes with out question that I, like many daughters, admire my mom.  She is truly my best friend and I can't imagine where I would be without her.  She has taught me how to be a caring woman and a patient and loving wife.  When Geoff and I have a little one of our own, I only hope I can be as amazing as she is as a mother. 



Day Eight Prompt:  A smell you like

My collection of body sprays and perfumes...

Weekend via Instagram

1.  Dinner with Nathan - the best person ever!

2.  The BBC - YUMMM!

3.  Union debate with Barb!!

4.  Chimay - double yum!!

5 - 7.  Saturday morning snuggles!!

8.  Uncle Geoff and Bowie

9.  Instant love from Auntie 

10.  Jayde's Bluebelly...caught by Geoff!

Photoadaymay: Days 4 - 6

Day Four's prompt:  Fun!

Geoff and I went out for happy hour with my good friend, Barb, and the bar we chose had Chimay on tap!  There's always more fun when good beer is involved!

 Day Five's prompt:  Bird

This is a vintage ceramic vase I own and I've always love the look of this little birdy.

 The prompt for Day Six:  You.

It just do happened that day six fell on the same day that I was able to meet my nephew, Bowen, for the first time.  It was instant love. 

Photoadaymay: Day 3

Today's prompt:  Something you wore today